May 23, 2006

To Co-Sleep Or Not to Co-Sleep

Dr. Richard Ferber, the pediatrician who wrote the 1985 classic, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, has done a flip flop. In a new edition of his book, he no longer argues that parents should not sleep with their kids. According to Newsweek, Dr. Ferber now is taking a live-and-let-live stance on the issue. "Whatever you want to do, whatever you feel comfortable doing, is the right thing to do, as long as it works," he writes.

All I can say is, better late than never.

Yes, I've read the articles about the dangers of co-sleeping--Child magazine ran a really thorough piece on the issue last year. But for some parents and kids, co-sleeping has tremendous benefits and can be done safely and responsibly. I'm tired of "experts" issuing dogmatic pronouncements based on their own personal views, whether that's advocating for or against co-sleeping, toilet training at 18 months, or the right age to wean kids off pacifiers.

We didn't co-sleep with my first daughter, even though I was nursing her. And we had her sleeping through the night by the time she was three months old. But when we adopted our younger daughter from an orphanage, she was six months old. I felt strongly--and instinctively--that we needed to be sleeping together. I wanted her to learn my smell and vice versa; I wanted to ease whatever psychic pain she had and felt, rightly or wrongly, that sleeping beside her would let her know that I was there for her. The thought of putting her in a strange room, alone, seemed wrong--especially since she had spent the first six months sleeping in a room surrounded by other kids.

Having worshipped at Dr. Ferber's altar with my first daughter, I was worried, though, that I might be doing the wrong thing. Fortunately, I asked for the advice of
Dr. Jane Aronson, a wonderful pediatrician I was using then, who specializes in adoption medicine. She essentially gave me a shoulder shrug, saying it was a person decision and really depended on whether both parents were comfortable with it.

If it works for both of you, she said, it works.

Her words were a relief then, and I imagine Dr. Ferber's new thinking will be the same for many parents. What it should tell us is that so much of the "expert" advice isn't based on hard science, but subjective opinions. And maybe that will stop us from judging each other's parenting so much --- but that's another posting.
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