What's wrong with imperfect mothers?
I've just received a copy of a new anthology, The Imperfect Mom: Candid Confessions of Mothers Living in the Real World, edited by Therese J. Borchard. Given that Jill Smolowe, my wonderful collaborator on A Love Like No Other, and I had once toyed with doing an anthology on this same subject, I immediately started reading it.
Borchard writes in the intro that she was inspired to compile this book after having had the nightmarish experience of seeing her young child's friend almost drown (her child pushed his little friend into the water--while she was supervising them.) Guilt in that situation is completely natural.
But hardly gender specific. What father wouldn't feel a crushing sense of culpability if a two-year-old had almost died on his watch?
It's obvious, though, that mothers are more apt to feel tortured by the little stuff of parenthood--not volunteering enough for the PTA (or as much as the Good Mothers do), yelling at our kids too much, or just not living up to this ridiculous ideal that is still being foisted upon mothers at every turn. I was glad to see that reality represented in some of the essays I read.
Gail Belsky's essay on arguing with her husband over whether to circumcise their son was brilliant. And so real. As was Jacqueline Mitchard's essay on getting booted from her kids' car pool when she was juggling single parenthood, a job, and a novel she was trying to finish writing.
I didn't experience either---though I did get reprimanded once by a parent in the car pool who thought I was using a car seat recalled by the federal consumer protection agency. How shamed and guilty I felt. (He turned out to have been wrong, but I was so ready to believe he was right and felt exposed as a bad mother. I'd never thought of checking the recall list on the consumer protection site! I just bought the cheapest seat at Costco. )
I think most of us are prone to this mommy guilt. What I'd love to know is, has this been true throughout time, and why? Have mothers always been held to incredibly high standards--whether they were working full-time, or devoting themselves to home making and childrearing?
Stumble It!
posted by pam at 9:30 AM
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