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Madonna Adoption: An interesting perspective from an adoptive parent
If you want to get an interesting take on the Madonna adoption mess, take a look at a recent essay on Salon.com by Mary Kane, a freelance writer who is an acquaintance of mine.
I am so tired of hearing otherwise smart people--like Joy Behar and Meredith Viera--make snarky comments about why Madonna didn't just give her would-be adoptive son's father some money to raise his son. Although I, like many people, question Madonna's motives for adopting, I find this particular criticism deeply offensive and loved Kane's response to it. She writes:
"Already, I cringe when I hear people saying that Madonna, or any prospective adoptive parent, should give away a lump sum of money to a child's relatives instead of adopting him. Does anyone walk up to a pregnant couple and suggest they take the thousands of dollars they'll spend on the baby during his lifetime and hand it to Save the Children instead?" I couldn't have said it better. Of course, Madonna may be partly to blame for holding herself up as a saintly humanitarian for adopting this child, rather than as a mother who wants to parent another child, who needs a family.  Stumble It!
NJ: One Step Closer to Gay Marriage
Finally, I'm proud to be living in New Jersey.
The highest court in New Jersey ruled today that the state had to provide gay couples with equal rights to marry. The Supreme Court gave the state legislature 180 days to provide the legal protections either in the form of a law creating civil unions or gay marriage.
I know that gay rights activists hoped for more--an unequivocal legalization of gay marriage--and I certainly hope the Democrats in the state legislature will find their conscience and do the right, moral thing and provide gays with the same rights as straights. But this court ruling is a major step forward.
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The Latest Chapter in Madonna's Malawi Adoption
The birthfather of David, the Malawi boy that Madonna hopes to adopt, apparently has come forward now, saying that he was duped into approving the adoption. He didn't realize that he was signing away his parental rights--he thought he was only giving Madonna temporary custody of sorts, the right to educate and care for his child, not become the parent.
Only days earlier, though, David's father had given his blessing to the adoption and said he wished the "human rights activists" opposing it would just keep quiet.
Whatever your feelings about Madonna--there is good reason to question to her motives, especially when you compare it to how Angelina was able to adopt quietly, without media hullabaloo--there is equally good reason to question the birthfather's latest statement (as well as the critics of the adoption).
Take a look at an in-depth article the Guardian did on David and his father in which the reporter not only interviewed the government officials involved but actually visited the village where David was born and interviewed his father, grandmother, and uncle. The article makes clear that David's family fully understood what the adoption would mean and were at peace with it, even though the father rode his bicycle the 25 miles twice a week to the orphanage to visit his son.
In the article, he is quoted as saying: "I will miss David. I miss him already. But I know that it's for the best."
You can't read this article about this desperately poor family in a desperately poor country and not feel the man is right and has just gotten caught up in the terrible 21st century phenomenon: Media maelstrom.
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Red vs Blue State: More Evidence
If you want more proof that we're living in a divided country, take a look at the books on the New York Times' list of best-selling hardcover nonfiction. Number 2 is Bob Woodward's State of Denial, a devastating expose of the administration's "inept" waging of Iraqi war. Right below in the number 3 slot, Fox mouthpiece Bill O'Reilly's Culture Wars, which argues that there is a war in this country between "traditionalists" (he puts himself, George Bush, and everyone he admires, including Martin Luther King, Jr. , in this slot) and the "secular progressives," whom he argues are trying to break down this country. Number 10 is The God Delusion, a book by an Oxford scientist about how "belief in God is irrational" and the "great harm" religion has done in the world.
Right below it is a book called Letter to a Christian Nation, which is a passionate defense of Christianity on behalf of Christians.
What are the odds that the people who buy Bob Woodward's book are also buying O'Reilly's? How many readers of the God Delusion also bought Letter to a Christian Nation? America has truly become two countries.
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Why Madonna's Adoption Critics Are Wrong
 I am just as suspicious of Madonna's motives for adopting a Malawi boy as all the critics out there, but I am even more suspicious of the "human rights" activists who are trying to stop the adoption. And as the critics' arguments are gaining currency--I'm hearing more people say, "Why doesn't Madonna just give her money to the Malawi boy's father to raise him?"--I worry that will affect all international adoptions.
The argument against Madonna's adoption is that it's better for Malawi kids to stay in Malawi and be adopted by locals, and Madonna is using her wealth to bend the rules. Now this is a variation of the argument that opponents of international adoption--which includes Save the Children officials--have been using.
Here is why they're wrong.
1. There are one million orphans in Malawi, a desperately poor country with a population of 12 million. There simply aren't enough Malawi citizens on sound economic footing to adopt these kids. It's not like Madonna cut the line--there is no line. Does anyone think this kid will be better off in a Malawi orphanage, even if Madonna is a craven publicity hound?
2. "Human rights" activists have shut down international adoptions in many countries, including Romania, because they say foreigners were "buying" babies. Is there corruption in these overseas adoptions? No doubt , as most of these developing nations have corrupt governments, where cash "tips" to the local official are not uncommon. And that's why it is so important that countries implement the Hague Treaty, the international treaty meant to make the process more transparent.
But shutting down international adoptions won't help these kids because the vast majority of people who adopt internationally are like me--people who just wanted to parent a child who needs a home.
3. As for the question, why doesn't Madonna just give money to the Malawi kid's father to raise him? That's the same question my bio daughter asked me when I told her my husband and I were thinking of adopting a baby from an orphanage in Kazakhstan. My daughter was 5 at the time.
What I told her was: we are giving money to support orphanages, but that the birth parents already decided they couldn't raise this baby (now our daughter) and gave her to the orphanage upon birth. This Malawi boy's father didn't leave the kid there temporarily. He decided he couldn't parent. If he had more money, would he be able to be the kind of parent he needed to be? That's a big question. So many people who give up their kids for adoption do so because they are living in the margins--physical and mental illnesses, drug addictions, crime, etc.
Also : That question assumes that kids are always better off with their bio parents, and it is a deep insult to parents of the one million adopted kids living in the US today.
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Mothers today spend more time with their kids
The New York Times reported on a study showing that married women today spend more time with their children than women did 40 years ago. The story reported:
"For married mothers, the time spent on child care activities increased to an average of 12.9 hours a week in 2000, from 10.6 hours in 1965. For married fathers, the time spent on child care more than doubled, to 6.5 hours a week, from 2.6 hours. Single mothers reported spending 11.8 hours a week on child care, up from 7.5 hours in 1965." The news reports I've read seem to treat this trend as uniformly positive. The underlying message: Hooray, working mothers are NOT neglecting their kids! While I'm glad to have a study that combats the criticism of working mothers, I wonder if all this attention we're lavishing on our kids is so positive. What are we giving up in exchange? The study reports women are spending less time on housework. Well, no big loss there. But my guess is we're also giving up adult time- time alone with our friends, ourselves, and our spouses. And that can't be good for the parents...or the kids.
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The Backlash Against Madonna's Adoption
Upcoming talks about "A Love Like No Other"
I'm delighted to report that A Love Like No Other, the anthology that I co-edited with fellow journalist Jill Smolowe, is coming out in paperback this month (Penguin/Riverhead). When it was released in hardcover last year, the book was praised as "complex, compelling, and compulsively readable" (Elle), "gripping," (People), "a must read" (Boston Globe), and "one of the most thoughtful books on adoption to come along in years." (Christian Science Monitor) So I hope that people who haven't read it in hardcover will pick up a copy now!
In the meantime, Jill and/or I will be giving talks and having readings in the coming weeks:
Sunday, November 4th, at New Jersey's 35th Annual "Let's Talk Adoption" Conference, Rutgers University, Busch Campus, Piscataway, NJ (for registration, 908-273-5694; or www.cpfanj.org)
Thursday, November 9th, 6:30-8:30 pm, The School at Columbia University, 556 W. 110th Street (near Broadway). Advance registration is required. Contact Jennifer Maslowski (jennem@nyc.rr.com) or go to https://www.fccny.org/FCCStore/OpenStores/FCCEventStore.asp? StoreGroupID=53'
Wednesday, November 15, 7 p.m., Third Place Books, Lake Forest Park Towne Centre, Lake Forest Park,
17171 Bothell Way NE, Lake Forest Park, WA 98155, Tel: 206-366-3333
(NOTE: the town is named Lake Forest Park. It's a suburb north of Seattle.)
Friday, November 17, 7 p.m., University Book Store, 4326 University Way N.E. - Seattle, Washington 98105, tel: 800-335-7323
ALSO: I have the honor of being one of the contributors to the anthology, Searching for Mary Poppins, which was just published by Penguin's Hudson imprint. On Tuesday, October 24th, 7 pm, at the Borders bookstore on 57th/Park Avenue in NYC, several contributors, including myself, will be reading portions of their essays from that book.
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Madonna Adopts a Boy--and Self Promotes
By now, you'd have to be living under a rock not to have heard the news that Madonna and her husband are adopting a boy from Malawi. When Madonna's camp finally confirmed that the adoption was in progress (after denying the rumors for months), the news was also released that she is spending a few million to create an education and health center for children.
Still, there was a lot of skepticism in the media: is she doing this for publicity? Is she just jumping on the adopt-a-child from Africa bandwagon, which Angelina Jolie started? The New York Post yesterday even ran a little feature which neatly identified all of the celebrities who recently adopted from abroad.
I must say I found it all offensive...as if adopting a baby is like adding a new Prada bag to your wardrobe. How do we know what Madonna's motive is? And, does it really matter if the results are so positive--she helps raise a needy child and contributes to a desperately needy community, and perhaps inspires others to adopt too?
But then I read Madonna's blog, in which she trumpeted her adoption and in the same breath announced the release of her new novel on October 24. Clearly, the timing is more than just coincidental--it's part of a promotional plan.
Adopting an African boy (who, by the way, is not an orphan as his destitute father is still very much alive and hopes to see his son again) makes the publication of her new novel far more newsworthy. It guarantees that there will be a media frenzy just as her new novel hits bookstores.
She will let everyone know that she is devoting proceeds to her new African orphanage, which will only boost sales ( people will feel noble about buying a celeb novel with little redeeming literary value). But one can't help but feel that this poor kid is part of a massive vanity project. And that is really no cause for celebration.
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A French Perspective on Child-Rearing
Just came back from a trip overseas where I spent some time in Paris with my family. I'd been to Paris before, but never with my kids, and what I became aware of this time was just how differently the French, or at least the Parisians, parent their kids. They are much less vigilant and give kids much more autonomy. And yet, they also expect much more of children.
Some examples:
In the parks we visited, the kids ran free in the playgrounds (which, by the way, had equipment that would be considered dangerous by American standards). A fence ran the perimeter of the playground, and most of the benches were on the outside of the fence. On a sunny Sunday afternoon, I saw lots of kids, as young as two, running alone through these rather large playground areas, while their parents and friends sat on the benches far away, chatting, or reading the paper. A little guiltily, I basked in the sun with my husband on one of these benches, aware that what I was doing would probably be considered negligient in a comparable park in New York City.
At a marionette show in the middle of Jardin de Luxemburg, all of the kids, as young as toddlers, sat in the first two rows...while their parents sat rows and rows behind them. I kept thinking of the time I'd seen a similar marionette show in Central Park two years earlier and had been annoyed by the parents in the front rows, who had insisted on pulling their kids on to their laps, which meant my kids couldn't see over their heads.
Could their hands-off approach also be the reason why French kids seemed to behave better? My friend Jani, an English professor who has been spending the last year in Nice with her five-year-old son seemed to think so. She confirmed my impressions, telling me that none of the parents would dream of watching their kids' karate class lessons and that kids were always dropped off at the front door of the school--never, ever walked inside the classroom. Jani also said that in her son's French preschool, teachers set very high standards for the kids: they are expected to learn how to write in cursive, use a knife and fork (my ten year old still has problems with that), and are served and eat a proper three course French lunch.
I'm not sure exactly when Americans became so overprotective and coddling of their kids, but it's definitely a relatively recent phenomenon. Just recently I read about a 1991 study which found that the "radius around the home that parents allowed 9-year-olds to wander had shrunk to one-ninth of its 1970 parameters."
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